My Misunderstood Sense of Humour

Something my niece wrote reminded me of a little incident on one of our camping trips. It was a prime example of someone taking me seriously when they clearly shouldn't have.

We were doing the laundry in a very modern laundromat. There was a cute little girl running around smiling and chatting with everyone. When she got to me and smiled I gestured to the washing machine door and said, "You want to go for a ride?" She came back with an excited, enthusiastic, "Yes!" She was ready to climb into the machine for a whirl. Clearly not one of my kids.

My kids know how to take me. We were cycling along the Raisin River in Ontario. I announced to the gang, "This river used to be called the Grape River back when there was a whole lot more water in it." All I got out of my daughter, who was five at the time, was a raised eyebrow.

I can't help myself by the way. From telling people on a windy day in college that the fountains were turned off because the pool was full, to telling a supervisor that we shouldn't have made a desk shaped like a boomerang because the customer kept sending it back, these things keep coming out of my mouth unprovoked. If you don't understand something I wrote, it might just be some obscure joke funny only too me.

This is a story that just has to be repeated. One of the ladies at work and her mother couldn't figure out right away what had happened when her father came out of the bathroom gasping and making odd noises. After a short while they realized he was trying to say something. Awhile longer and they figured out he was saying, "I can't feel my tongue." What on earth had the man done to himself?

In the bathroom they discovered that he had brushed his teeth with A535 instead of toothpaste. I find that hysterically funny for a number of reasons.

First one summer during my college days I had a blind roommate who told us that one of the worst things about being blind is that BenGay and toothpaste came in the same kind of tube. He at least was more aware of outside stimuli and didn't finish the job.

Secondly this man is not blind so he didn't have that excuse and he did complete his work.

And last apparently in his younger days, he looked like Mr. Bean. This should have been in an episode.

I don't know how long it took for his sense of taste to return. Just keep this in mind: Even if A535 were effective in preventing cavities, fighting plaque and curing gingivitis, it isn't worth it.

Why?

If the food was that delicious, do you need a reason? Probably not, but with tongue firmly in cheek... er...let me help you out here. Times are tough and food is expensive. Do you realize how many nutrients you are leaving stuck to your plate? By licking your plate you are fighting world hunger. It takes less dish soap and water to clean a well licked plate. You are therefore helping to conserve resources and save our environment. Be that hero and start licking your plate after all your meals.

As in everything though, there is a right way and a wrong way. Read on and you will be not only a hero, but an expert in the art of plate licking.

How?

There are three major pits falls that will mark you as a rank amateur, but they are easy enough to avoid.

For starters, pick that plate up with your hands. You'll have far better control. It's best to use both hands, but there are circumstances, when you have no choice. Most important is that picking up the plate looks better. Leaving your plate on the table and planting your face in it, might lead to some unfortunate results. You might find you next meal, served on the floor, next to the dog's dish.

Pitfall number two is really just for people with long hair. Notice the model in the above picture restraining her hair so that only her tongue is involved with cleaning that plate. Good job! Food and hair are not a good combination. Having to wash your hair afterward would cancel out any environmental gains you might have won.

Last point has more to do with technique than anything else. If you pick up your plate as recommended and then drag your tongue, from the bottom, through the middle, all the way to the top, you will end up with food either on your nose or your chin. To avoid that faux pas, start licking around the edges and work your way to the middle. Done correctly, not only will your plate end up clean, but your face will stay that way. Our model in the first picture has the hang of it.

Conclusion

If everyone began licking their plate after meals, imagine the impact that would have on the world we live in. More food, cleaner water... It would be a better place. Put those tongues to work. They aren't just for talking you know. Why do you think they're covered with taste buds?

Saggy pants or droopy pants whatever you want to call them. Not something real new anymore but you see them all the time now.

Been told by reliable sources that the style originated in prison and symbolizes sexual availability. Be that as it may, I think there is something far more sinister going on here. I think this is another example of controlling the masses.

I'm not saying this without offering any proof. I want you all to try something. Did this myself (way out in the sticks by myself). Strap your pants on just like the gangstas. Keep your underwear up please. There are things even the flora and fauna don't need to see. Now run. I mean go as fast as you possibly can. I know you're dying to try this.

Remember the saying "you can run but you can't hide". Well now you can't even freaking run. You wearing pants that way makes you easy to chase down by the police/military/homeland security. Think about it.

I was driving to work listening to music and the news. They were discussing the following day's Canada Day celebrations to take place at Riverside Park. Moncton is expecting thousands of people for the occasion. The city requested the media to mention that there are one hundred parking meters in downtown Moncton close to the park.

If everyone reading this was travelling to Moncton for the occasion, would the news that there are one hundred parking meters downtown excite you? Would that be icing on the cake for your Canada Day celebration? Imagine, if you we're one of the first one hundred drivers to arrive with a pocket full of change, you could park right close to the action. You only have to go back to the stupid thing to put more change in every couple hours.

I don't know this somehow doesn't do anything for me. I'm sure it's important to the city. I mean this could be a big payday. One hundred parking meters at a buck fifty or two bucks an hour. That'll help pay for those needed water treatment plant upgrades that are estimated to cost 73 million dollars. Besides I'm sure one hundred parking meters means Moncton has big city credentials. Look out Toronto and Montreal. There's a new kid on the block.

I'm sorry I'm terribly biased. I'm averse to paying for parking. Last time we visited downtown we parked at the nearest mall lot and walked. To help illustrate my extremist point of view. I have a friend who lives a block from the Moncton General Hospital. He lets me park in his driveway, so I don't pay for parking there either.

So if you're visiting Moncton in the future don't forget, we have one hundred parking meters downtown.